Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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