my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
