U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
