remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
