Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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