Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
