i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
