I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
