is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
