I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
