Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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