yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
