She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
