So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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