don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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