Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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