Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
