guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
