I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
