the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
