life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
