Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
