Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Pooping to opera.
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