Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
