people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
