Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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