I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
