Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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