how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
