hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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