For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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