we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
