He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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