I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
