Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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