took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
