yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
