Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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