Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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