I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
