youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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