Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
