I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize