Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
