just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
