I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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