It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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