I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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