This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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