It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
