...so i touched it.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
