Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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