you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She's like a pop up book from hell.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
