Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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