piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
