I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize