i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
