No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize