Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize