I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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