It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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