I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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