Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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