i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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