Cold hands, warm shart.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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