how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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