I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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