Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
